"Back in middle school, Perry the Platypus, hot anime waifus were all the rage. I never had one, of course, being the background character that I was. But then, there was this guy named Bobert that showed up! It was like a flip got switched, and all of the anime waifu obsession instead became a race to grow the biggest pumpkin! Like, who even does that? So anyway, I spent all my time studying hot anime waifus and how to get one, but by the time I got my very own body pillow, everyone had moved

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